| Step 1: | Type in the stupid redirect URL like www.drowning-in-dreams.love.nu. You will see an ugly white website scattered with banner advertisements, announcing, "You are being redirected in five seconds. If you are not automatically redirected, click here." Click on the link, because only suckers wait to be automatically redirected. |
| Step 2: |
The splash page loads. This consists of an image that tries to be in the centre of your screen, but isn't quite, followed by a link that says "Enter."
Any or all of the following optional elements may also appear: < # i ♥ ashlee simpson ? > |
| Step 3: |
Click "Enter." The home page will fit one of these scenarios:
1: Graphics-heavy template layout, complete with a load time of seven minutes. Menu bars on either side of prepubescent "programmer's" boring blog, in which she complains about high school and testifies to Jay-Z's sex appeal. The site is slow to scroll, due either to the massive, fixed background image set at fifty percent opacity, or because (shudder) the site features JavaScript scrolling. Every word of the text is too impossibly small, and can not be resized by your browser's settings, thanks to forcing CSS. Go ahead, try. 2: Black background trying, to various degrees of success, to look like a snapshot from outer space. Brightly-coloured "Welcome" headline, followed by another graphic and a list of centred links to other sections of the site. This example's text will be extremely oversized. |
| Step 4: | Have a heart attack when a Limp Bizkit midi begins to play at top volume. Search in vain for the button to silence it, only to realize that there isn't one because the programmer used an embed src code. Instead, mute your computer speakers, mourning the loss of your rockin' Matthew Good tune. |
| Step 5: | Go to the biography page. Consider yourself lucky if you find a paragraph or two of actual biographical information. Skip the ten pages of survey questions and answers about their favourite potato chips. |
| Step 5: |
Go to the pictures section. This will be splattered with blurry webcam stills and badly-scanned photos, all resized to about 200 pixels each so that they would all fit in the page's terrible table construction. Of course, all of these will have been resized not manually with a graphics editor, but with HTML code, so as to portray the worst of both worlds - because each image is 1.3 MB, they load painfully slowly, and, they are crammed into tiny boxes so that quality is largely sacrificed. There may be captions underneath that contain absolutely no information of value. If the programmer is female, she will complain that she looks bad. Ironically, if you try to steal one of these rotten shots, a bland, grey JavaScript pop-up box will attempt to stop you with a message like:
Wait for your browser to prompt you to save it anyway. And yes, I use IE. I like it. Piss off. |
| Step 6: | Go to the free guestbook, which will also be asphyxiated by ads. Write an anonymous message picking apart the terrible website with immaculate precision. Avoid personal insults, but conclude your post with a gigantic, high-quality photo of a hairy, bare ass. Leave the website and close the twelve pop-ups it had shit onto your desktop. |
| Step 7: | Go back to the site two hours later to find a reply to your message, calling you such original names as "bitch" and "asshole," and telling you to "get a life." Go back a few days later to find that message and yours deleted. |
Please also note that Flash-only websites suck fat ass.