People Who Suck
Shallow · Online · Conservative · Self-Made · Misc

Shallow Suckers

  • People who gossip for attention.
    They will go so far as to reveal humiliating or destructive tidbits, true or false, about themselves or talk behind one's back with a friend of the subject. She will bray about her infidelity to someone with whom her significant other is close, or he will toot his own "0MG I was so drunk" horn as if his uninhibited, intoxicated idiocy is a trait to pride. You bug the piss out of me. Cultivate a sense of tact.

  • People who complain about being "fat," but do nothing about it.
    Here, I offer a helpful tip: Walk away from the computer and introduce your lazy arse to a treadmill or a gastric bypass operation. You suck especially if you're an already thin woman who just wants to look like Nicole fucking bitchy Richie. Go develop anorexia or move to the starving third world and we'll see then what you complain about.

  • Girls who cycle rapidly through crushes,
    lovers, boyfriends, what have you. One week they're sooo in love with Kyle, the next they're engaged to Jordan. When they don't have boy toys, they constantly complain of being either lonely and heartbroken as though their lives are over, or horny as if oblivious to their own brilliant designs to pick up some scumbucket at a club the following night.

  • Girls who call up boys and ask them out—for their friends.
    This is particularly pathetic if said friend has no knowledge of the question being posed, or no interest whatsoever in the boy or even having a "boyfriend." Although, with relationships that start out this way, I would hardly call him a "boyfriend" to the girl, nor would I call it a "relationship." What kind of relationship will it progress to be when neither party could muster up the courage to even personally begin it? These people couldn't communicate from the beginning; therefore, most likely, will never have great communication skills or ability to resolve their own conflicts.

  • People who try to validate the stereotypical labels they have adopted,
    especially when their method of choice is degrading other "categories" of people. For example, "goths" and "punks" often criticize "preppies" and "posers," while "preppies" often belittle "fags" or "freaks." Live and let live. Don't hold others to your standard of "coolness" as a lame attempt to mask the fact that you are pathetically judgmental and no better than those you insult.
    [See also: Social Labels]

  • People who think they're soooo unique or intimidating because they're "goth" or "punk" or "bisexual."
    WHO CARES! Be yourself. I for one do not fear you. You people just like to believe that everyone hates you so that you have an excuse for your pitiful rebellion. This says nothing about my opinions on goths or punks or bisexuals; I'm accepting of all. But the ones who find it necessary to go around announcing it and think they get more negative attention than they do are just annoying. News flash again: The whole world does not hate you for being bisexual. In fact, most people are bisexual, at least at some point or another. The whole world does not hate you because you wear black and listen to Marilyn Manson, though I will hate you if you run around like a wussy whining that you're depressed and bipolar and cut yourself because you think you're tortured and want to kill yourself when you're only thirteen years old and your first boyfriend of a week and a half broke up with you and you'll never find true love like that again. Because that trivializes and discredits a serious condition, and you're just one "misunderstood" kid of many, no more unique than the "preppies" you make fun of.

  • The Fashion Police.
    An article that runs in Us magazine in which a "board of judges" is selected to comment rudely on people's clothing. Does it deeply affect their lives if Macy Gray wears green with blue? If it does, they need to alter their priorities.

  • Joan Rivers.
    All this woman seems to do for her enormous amount of fortune is make fun of people's clothing. What skill that requires! Moron.

    Conservative Suckers

  • Extreme homo"phobes"
    who think gay people are disgusting and should be shot. This is comparable to racism (which is why I say homo"phobe," since most who hide behind this label are not phobic but merely prejudiced). The only difference is that people cannot hide their colour, whereas some idiots think that homosexuals should be forced to hide their orientation, confining themselves to heterosexual relationships or no relationship at all. What a terrible ultimatum!

  • Protestors at funerals.
    Regardless of your opinion of the deceased, a human being's departure from this world, attended by mourning loved ones, should not be made your soapbox from which to crow your biased opinion. How dare you mar an already grief-stricken group with your despicable hatefulness, as if you righteous heretics have intimate knowledge of God's judgment!

  • Opponents of same-sex marriage
    who use stereotypical expressions ("homosexuals are all . . ."), ambiguous "facts" ("marriage is meant for a man and a woman, and that's that"), and arguments from the Bible, a book that, fictional or no, was written so long ago that even many Christians have told me it's outdated. The real nut-jobs say it's the coming of the apocalypse! People said this about women's rights, racial equality, interracial marriage, and divorce rights, yet, the world hasn't blown apart. Get lives of your own, and stop butting into those of others.

  • People who preach in eulogies
    about the importance of going to church and reading the Bible every spare minute of the day and when you're on the toilet so you don't die and go to hell so horribly and tragically as has the deceased. That is not at all appropriate; it is twisted, disgusting, and disrespectful to not only the family of the deceased, but people of different faiths attending the service. Just because the funeral is held in a church doesn't make it time to get up and brainwash people with crap about damnation.

    Online Suckers

  • People who keep online "food journals."
    Nobody outside of your life cares what you ate. Keep it private. If you are so desperate for approval or encouragement, show them to whomever they concern; e-mail scans to long-distance acquaintances if you must.

  • People whose websites give me seizures
    when my eyes are assaulted by overloads of flashy, blinking crap.
    "omg look at all this stupid blinking shit!"
    For the love of living, refrain from exercising your "mad HTML skillz" all at once.

  • People who list every single band they like.
    Here is an actual list I found on somebody's Elftown.com profile:
      Letter Kills, From Autumn To Ashes, Goodbye Tomorrow, Hidden In Plain View, Story Of The Year, My Chemical Romance, Autopilot Off, Chevelle, Matchbook Romance, Hawthorne Heights, Trapt, Trust Company, Sugarcult, Atreyu, Kittie, A7X, Senses Fail, Taking Back Sunday, Blindside, The Used, Mest, GC, Green Day, 1208, Blink 182, Brand New, Chimaira, Coheed and Cambria, The Postal Service, Cold, Die Trying, Dashboard Confessional, Damien Rice, Distrubed, Don't Look Down, Dropkick Murphys, Fall Out Boy, Hatebreed, Incubus, Less Than Jake, Lost Prophets, Nickelback, Nirvana, P.O.D, Papa Roach, Rammstein, The Red Hot Chili Peppers, Seether, Something Corporate, Switchfoot, Third Eye Blind, Slipknot, Otep, Unwritten Law, Thrice, Metallica, Led Zepplin, Bob Marley, Velvet Revolver, Yellowcard, Thrice, All-American Rejects, Billy Talent, Billy Idol, The Distillers, The Killers, Underoath, Six Feet Under, A Dozen Furies, Rob Zombie, Linkin Park, Hot Hot Heat, Hot Action Cop, Liam Lynch, Jimmy Buffet, Pearl Jam, From First To Last, The Beatles, The Silence, Fall Out Fracture, Kids In The Way, Fingerless, My Children My Bride, Dark Disciple, No Assembly Required, Eyeless, 3GunPete, 6 Reasons 2 Kill, National Product, Queen, Rise Against, System Of A Down, All That Remains, Breaking Benjamin, The Clash, Destroyer 666, The Early November, KoRn, Mindless Self Indulgence, Off By One, New Found Glory, Post Stardom Depression, Shadows Fall, Smashing Pumpkins, A Static Lullaby, Sublime, With Broken Wings, Pink Floyd, Machine Head, Iron Maiden, Black Label Society, Last Perfection, 40 Below Summer, Pantera, Full Blown Chaos, The Autumn Offering, Slayer, Black Sabbeth, Ac/Dc, Hendrix, Spliteye, Mnemic, Divided By Three, The Side Project, Scarlet Rose, Senseless Promotions, Accursed Down, Another Day Forgotten, Just Left, After The Ashes, Guttersluts, Checkers NJ, Soil, Toture Method, Scars Of Tomorrow, Tickertape Parade, Name Taken, Engine Down, The Hate, Essense Of Pain, A Change Of Pace, Son Of Day, The Avenue, The Paradox, Last Of The Famous, AnAkA, Set Of Balance, Ancient, Thursday, Bon Jovi, A Step Behind, Funeral For A Friend, Finch, Flogging Molly, Jimmy Eat World, The Doors, The Rolling Stones, Ramones, Velvet Underground, Oassis, Beach Boys, Alantic Star, BeeGees, The Carpenters, Chubby Checker, The Coasters, The Monkeys, The Platters, The Crystals, The Dramatics, The Temptations, Bete Noire, Lost On 53, Demerit 7, Saving Verona, Self Against City, Mudvayne, Punchline, The Academy Is..., The A.K.A.s, Days Away, GymClassHeros, October Fall, Panic! At The Disco, Paramore, The IN Crowd, Patent Pending, The Shake-Up, The Foo Fighters, Big Blue Monkey, Atticus, 3 Doors Down, Alter Bridge, Audioslave, Chronic Future, Coldplay, Kings Of Leon, Sparta, Nine Inch Nails, Lamb Of God, Rodinia, The Terms, Breath Away, Yet Another Day, Norma Jean, A Victims Romance, Just Off Turner, Saliva, Therapy, Adema, Rage Against The Machine, Lagwagon, Weakerthans, Buzzcocks, Dead Boys, Slant 6, The Avengers, New York Dolls, The Wanderers, Clone Defects, Homegrown, Saves The Day, Rufio, Dag Nasty, MxPx, NoFx, The Cure, Depeche Mode, Gorillaz, Type O Negative, Searchlight Envy, Forever Faded, The Leap Year Conspiracy, Distraught, Never The Next Day, BackMask, Mind Rape, The Innocence, Killing Dionysus, A Grand Mock Funeral, Red Lipstick Letter, Little Compass, Fayne, Victory Within, Don't Die Cindy, Loud Water, Until Next Time, Unearth, Asleep For Dreaming, No Turning Back, Skip County, Cobourg, Cristalix, The Epics, Burning Regret, Enemy Ground, The Viridian Haze, Breathing Underwater, Go Crash Audio, Murder Between Friends, Field On Fire, Committed, Born, Roses Burning Lust, Bidwell, Disort Manchester, Ethereal, Children Of Bodom, Eighteen Visions, A Love For Enemies, Blessed By A Broken Heart, 3 Inches Of Blood, The Blackout, Sunday Driver, Big City Dreams, The Higher, Next Best Thing, Adios, Days Away, Slowly Taking Lives, Smudge, The Starting Line, Punk Bunny, Elias Last Day, And The Sky Went Red, A World Without Reason, My Only Alibi, Auto Pilot, Choose Your Path, In The Moment, Forever Changed, The October Crisis, Haste The Day, All Hours, Kinsey, Crash The Skies, Not Shibby, Don't Let Go, Affections Else, A New Kind Of You, As Night Falls, Room Without A View, The Click Five, The Juliana Theory, Forty Cent Fix, Pepper, The Exies, Irrational, The Farewell Monument, Assailing Traitor Skies, Pistol Pete, Ruin, Picket Line, Years Of Fire, The Confession, The Color Of Violence, Victim Of Sunday, Such A Surge, Nobody Moves Nobody Gets Hurt, My Bitter End, Armor For Sleep, Fearless Century, Forget McCarran, Tribal Chair, My American Heart, Shining Through, A Heartwell Ending, The Blue Season, Deceptacon, Broken Image, SMB Project, HIM, Saved By Grace, Late Fallen, Same Deep Water As You, Take Over, ISMADA, I Am The Avalanche, Underminded, Get Back Loretta, Storyville, Because Of Dee, Thred, A Noted Author, Strip City Sinners, Natural Born Losers, Liquid Filth, Hell Forged Hands, Blackmarket Bodyparts, August Burns Red, Augustana, Nada Surf, MeWithoutYou, Waking Ashland, vapor aevum, A Farewell Rescue, Nature Living, Crossfade, Jet, Not Knowing The Truth, The Spicoli's, Cursive, SIXXXY SIXX, Awake And Alert, Inept, The Conversation Heart, After The Crash, Test Icicles, Self Drown, BEVERLY, The Bad Antix, The Neverwills, Sidekick's Downfall, Hollywood Ave., Ok Go, Still Frame, Louis XIV, Hellogoodbye, Still Frame Smile, Missing Since November, Keepsake, The Faint, Still Frame For Stars, Alexisonfire, Bury Your Dead, Among The Dead, Between The Buried And Me, Keepsake Memorial, Mad At Gravity, Fully Functional, Awaiting The End, The Dance Massacre, LoveHateHero, Divide The Day, A Borrowed Life, Nightmare Of You, This Love Machine, Soon To Be September, Perils Of Reasoning, A Better Fall, Callenish Circle, Underneath The Gun, Fashions Fade, Silverstein, Brunswick, September Sky, Deathwish Nine, Fear Of Flying, Red Wire Morning, Texas Is On Fire, The Background, Peephole, Wyatt, Ignote The Skyline, A Perfect Kiss, Evergreen Terrace, A Match Like Memory, Coretta Scott, Requiem, Backseat Goodbye, Of Fate And Chance, Camden, Last Years Hero, Breaking The Girl, Trauma, A Second Regret, Micheal Buble, Ten Dayz, Anatomny Of Your Homicide, Daphne Loves Derby, Farewell To Arms, Blood Guilt, Cradle Of Filth, Drop, Dead Gorgeous, To Kill Something Pure, Launching Liberty, Yesterday's Past, Clevis, Pillar, Dissonance, Flying At Hendon, Fake Your Death, Mexicola, Makeshift Romeo, A Cursive Memory, No One Goes Home, Parkway Drive, Death In December, Gallows, Abandoned Pools, Seize The Moment, Dying Inside, Dose Of Adolescence, New York Homecoming, Halifax, Scarling, Fort Minor, Hollywood Undead, Bright Eyes, Crossing 70, The Imagine, Rivers Divided, Bandera Canyon, Conduit, Wings Of Icarus, Two Steps Ahead, Fire In The Eyes Of The City, The Killing, Last One Standing, Emery, KK Holiday, MYNDSIGHT, Relient K, The Waiting Hurt, Baby Boy H, Ice Nine, Valencia, Nora, Amber Pacific, Memories In Red, Roma, Bayside, Hyndsite, ElectroCrush, Fallen Heroes, Sadist Art, Ever Since Radio, Bullet Up, Boy In Black, Hope Dies Last, Societys Own, A Kiss For Corlis, Head Automatica, Cixth Disciple, The Walkoff, A Fallen Hierarchy, 1931, The Smyrk, Emanuel, Boy Sets Fire, Boys Night Out, The Legion Of Doom, The Fully Down, Speed Thrills, Mozart Season, The Fall Of Troy, The Silent Type, LET GO, You Can Diy, Bullets To Broadway, Chasing Victory, Maylene And The Sons Of Disaster, Mae, Allele, Stiffed, Chelsea, Marigold, Since By Man, Days Like These, It Dies Today, Bullet For My Valentine, Bedlight For Blue Eyes, The Vacancies, The Panic Division, Say Anything, Paint By Numbers, A Fall Farewell, At All Cost, Look What I Did, A Day In The Life, The Front Page, Whisper Dying, Pucker Up Velcrolips, Transitional Failure, Saosin, Takota, Embracing Never, Phenx, Tattooed Millionaries, Plastick, Best Days Behind, Wired, We Are The Fury, Flying Just Below Radar, TheBluePrintScene, Vehicular Homicide, Infrastrate, Fatal Despair, Black Light Burns, CATHERINE, Transport, Pretty Lights Below, Murder York, Audrey Is A Narcissist, A Skylit Drive, Razing Alexandria, Said The Gun To The Girl, Anabel Lee Murders, Ambulance! Ambulance!, Fields Of Fallen, Glass Intrepid, Makeshifte, Run Faster Scared, Dirty Little Secret, Gary Gonzalez, Crown Victorian, Cartel, 13th Child, Usual Apology, The Divine Romance, Braskey, Definition Unknown, Friend For Death, Biology, Needleye, Imogen Heap, Comeback Kid, Roanoke, Waking Ashland, Dawn On The Inside, Of Fate And Chance, Damnitahl, Dance Gavin Dance, Arsonists Get All The Girls, Trustkill, Open Hand, The Shadows Valley, Anberlin, Copeland, Red Wire Morning, The Shambulls, Showbread  
    Post this in your profile and watch me skip it. Who honestly wants to chug through this long list? I dearly hope you wouldn't rattle it off if someone in real life asked about your taste in music. Summarize. Save others time and trouble in getting to know you. Here are a couple of more succinct arrangements:
    – "I like a lot of bands, but my favourites are blah, blah, blah, and blah."
    – "I like a lot of music, but mostly I listen to punk (such as blah, blah, and blah) and heavy metal (like blah and blah)."

  • People who make websites which open with 2,764 pop-up messages
    ("hi!!!", "how are u?" "good u say?", "im happy 2 hear that!!!", "how am i u ask?", "ohh not 2 bad myself", "so what do you wanna talk about?", "how bout the weather?", etc. Forever.), and end with a message: "Forward this to all your friends!" This is not tee-hee funny. This is not you proving programming smarts because you can copy and paste a basic alert code you found on the Net and come up with 2,764 lame, badly-typed (because you don't know how to parse punctuation into plain text for display, do you?), (thankfully short) messages to put in every single one of those boxes. Guess what? After four, I stop reading and just quickly press the Space bar repeatedly until I'm through the boxes to the page. Then, if I'm particularly pissed off, you might get a nasty e-mail about the stupidity of your site and you for making it or even thinking for a second that it was cute, funny, or anything short of HIGHLY ANNOYING.

  • Online-journal authors
    who consistently write entries comprised of one to two sentences. Like so:
          I have a headache!!! lol ooh Korn is on TV right now. g2g bye peeps!!!

  • People whose websites use JavaScript scrolling.
    When you move your mouse over a toggle, the web page scrolls automatically until you move your mouse off of the toggle. It sounds cool—but it's not, for a multitude of reasons. The user has little or no control of the speed of scrolling, so often you're forced to watch the whole page go by one line at a time like the slow-moving flying text at the beginning of Star Wars. This especially sucks if, for example, you're a returning visitor and you're trying to scroll quickly to new content, or if you're looking for a specific piece of information, like the creator's e-mail address so you can tell them how annoying their "spiffy" JavaScript scrolling is. I rarely click on the stupid little arrows in a scrollbar to scroll a page; I like to use my keyboard's Up, Down, Page Up, Page Down, Home, and End keys, and my mouse wheel. JavaScript scrolling enables none of these. Don't use it; don't frustrate your visitors. Forcing me to look at everything on a page isn't going to make me want to read it every time I come back; I just won't make it to the bottom of the page.

    Self-Made Suckers

  • People who do nothing for their supposed "depression,"
    except perhaps feed it. If you think you have depression, here is what can help: consulting a medical professional or other trusted individual. Here is what cannot alleviate it: writing cryptic, emo blog entries. If you refuse to seek help for yourself or make other positive changes to your life, choke on your melancholy and shut the hell up.

  • Cutters.
    You've got the worst of both worlds, don't you? You're not happy with life, but you're too chicken-shit to off yourself. In any event, your disturbing habit is an even less productive solution than suicide. I just do not understand you.

  • Whiners,
    people who complain about their problems, no matter how small, in the hopes of gaining sympathy. Contrary to what they may believe, there is a difference between talking it out and griping about it. Whining gets no one anywhere, except on someone's "people who suck" list. Be rational; don't overdo it.

    Honourable Mention

  • People who hose down their paved driveways.
    Picture this: It's a sweltering summer day, there is eight inches of water in our eight-foot well, and I haven't been able to take a shower in three days because nothing but mud, air, and choking sounds comes from our faucet. Meanwhile, two houses down the road, some snooty-snoot is slopping water down his long-ass paved driveway because it's dusty. It must be nice to have a three-hundred-foot-deep drilled well so you can waste such a precious commodity on such self-important tripe. At least save it for washing your small planet of a gas-guzzling SUV, you wealthy waste of flesh.

  • People who find it amusing to get drunk every weekend.
    Did I miss the announcement that it is not slow suicide but fun to fall off of a coffee table while doing a striptease for a herd of hooting perverts, hit your head, watch your world spin, vomit in your hair and pass out in front of the toilet? Do as you wish, but don't think of me as the moron, for standing sober on the sidelines laughing at your priceless, drunken idiocy.

  • People who say a "google."
    It's an impossibly large number with a stupid name. Exaggerate more creatively, and stop making reference to it.

  • People who say "cuzzint."
    That's cousIN, ya hillbilly.

  • Designers and corporations like Tommy Hilfiger and the Gap
    who want me to fork over three times the cost of an ordinary sweatshirt for one of theirs and the privilege of being their walking advertisement. I would sooner spend my money on three ordinary shirts that do not feature their ugly logos.


    More to come, I'm sure.