Quotes

Willie, to J.P., a huge Star Trek fan:
Hey J.P.! I docked my ship in your mom's shuttle bay.

Steph F.: I saw the guy with the biggest ass ever. I mean, picture the biggest ass you've ever seen, and then blow it up times 100.

Ashley: Small boobs can't sag, bwhaah.

Nathan: Yes ladies . . . we men notice you . . . all of you . . . in the most innocent of places, and our soul screams out inside with approval and desire.

Male bowling alley staffer, to Joey, noticing a crude drawing Willie had scrawled on Joey's face:
Is that a penis on your face?

Chris Rock, in Bigger & Blacker:
A man is basically as faithful as his options.

Alle: I have just noticed that my touch lamp on my desk doesnt work if you try to touch it with mittens on. It only works if you have naked hands. Hmm. My lamp wants me to touch it naked. I have perverted office furniture.

Cole: I thought of this great pick-up line: "Remember ladies, if you're naughty, you could get a piece of Cole for Xmas."

Me: Nick Carter rules!

Alle: I got drunk on Friday and tried to play the French horn. Turns out that, unsurprisingly, I am terrible at it. However, so amused was I at my French horn skillz that I called [a friend] immediately and deafened her with a rendition of (I think) the national anthem.

Me: What kind of pussy dies?!

Cole, channel surfing:
Crap. Crud. Poo. Lame. Dork. [turns off television] Deactivate!

Joel: [I was] going 120 kph down the highway, and some ugly wench sees fit to tailgate [my] ass [in] one of those huge pickup trucks, the kind that can carry five or six full-grown cattle. . . . Not only was this thing compensating for something, it was a gross shade of purpley-pink too! So, after he passed me I tailgated him all the way to his house where I got out and peed on his truck while his family was watching, then I nailed his wife, who then divorced him for having a small penis, and being an ass-face. I laughed, his kids laughed, then he committed suicide for sucking. I also threw his ugly-ass truck in the river! With my bare hands!

Joel: I hate Sean Paul, but I don't run around Sean Paul fansites telling his fans how much he sucks. Why? 'Cause I'm too busy studying a huge dump that I dropped in the toilet!

Joey: So today while [I was in costume] as a pimp, a little girl asked me what I was. I said "I'm a pimp." "What's a pimp?" And [I said] the worst thing to say to a kid, ever, when asked that question. "You should probably ask your mom."

Ryan: Willie's [a] gangster, so he named his [dick] Shorty.
Willie, recalling that Ryan once dated a girl five years his junior: Ryan named his Michael Jackson, because his only likes little children.

Joey, mocking one of my customers:
"I'm 21 [underage to rent from Budget]. Can I get a student discount?"
"Sure! You can [rent] no car for absolutely free!"

Cole, to me: Want an apple? I rinsed it and everything. And by "rinsed," I mean "dunked in the toilet."

Adam: You're a poet and don't know it.
Ryan: That was the worst rhyme that ever sucked.
Joey: Just like your mother! Who I fucked.

Maddox, in If you work for Websense...:
Every Lexmark printer I've ever used has been a piece of shit. One time I was trying to print a picture of me so I could give it to a friend to cheer him up after he was diagnosed with cancer, but the printer jammed, and my friend died. Thanks for nothing, assholes.

Joey: Customers aren't people, they're walking wallets. They're waste disposal units for all the crap in our store. Buying something is like paying us to flush.

Joey: Society can suck my left nut then stick my right one up its nose.

Steph F.: Planned Parenthood is now offering a shirt that states "I had an abortion" for purchase. [My friend Tom and I] wondered if you got a free T-shirt with an abortion. I then exclaimed, well, hot damn, let's get me an abortion, because I want a free shirt. He then offered knocking me up for the abortion due to his lack of moral value, but only if he got a free shirt that said "I knocked up a girl who got an abortion."

Butt-head, to Beavis, in episode I Dream of Beavis:
You've never been to Compton, you're never going to go to Compton, you're going to be here for the rest of your life, you're stupid, you don't have any money, and you're never going to score.

Willie: I'm super shallow, and I hate fat people. And ugly people.

Kate: I wish I could just put you two together like puzzle pieces, join the two of you and just say, "Look! You fit!" and leave it at that.
Just a wish . . . perhaps there will be another shooting star tonight.

Maddox, in Five shitty movies that everyone loves:
If I had a chance to remake The Last Samurai, it would star that chick who played Miranda on Sex and the City, and the setting would change from ancient Japan to biblical Japan when it was submerged under water. The movie would mostly consist of her drowning.

Joel: [My graduation robe] was icky brown with yellow streaks.
Cole: No, that was your underwear.

Me: Japan isn't anywhere near Asia!

Foamy, in Neurotically Yours episode Sitcom Silliness:
Mother jokes are so fucking old and lame. . . . Next time someone says something like, "Yeah, well I fucked your mom last night," you look that dumbass straight in the eye and say, "Well, that's too bad. While you were wasting your time trying to get laid by old ladies, I carved out your mother's eye sockets with a razor blade and then sold her blind ass as a bondage slave to the Japanese mafia, and they've been shoving flesh-eating carrion ants into her ass and videotaping it for Internet broadcasting." How do you like that? Now that is an insult.

Misty: Jesus was fuckin' hot!

Joey: William Hung's CD is in Music World. I wanted to buy it, but it cost money so it wasn't worth it.

Brian McKnight, on MTV Cribs:
This is my friend Vince. He thinks he's the champ [at air hockey]. He's the kind of champ who'll beat you and then never play you again.

Joey: This is for all you "Goths" out there. There is nothing unique about being goth. You're not individuals, you're not more witty, intelligent, deep or have more right to live than any other social clique. It's a fashion trend like anything else. Stripped naked you'd be as equally worthless as the rest of humanity so . . . get off your high horse. Sure there are people below you, but chances are each social/fashion trend group will have some members who are equal and even possibly smarter with more talent than you.

Joey: Customer Service workers hate the customers. I know I do. The customer isn't always right you dumb fuck. If you believe this, you watch too much TV.

Tyler: I've taken up jogging, or at least "cardiovascular exercise."
Me: Nice. I've taken up sitting on a yoga ball while I play video games.

George Carlin: Speaking of delusional people, what about a guy who hears voices in his head that tells him to kill his entire family, so he does it? Is this all a voice in the head tells people, is to kill others? Doesn't a voice ever tell a guy, "Go take a shit on the salad bar at Wendy's!"

Maddox, in Wireless internet...:
Having spelling errors is one thing, but c'mon. I've typed out more coherent sentences with my penis.

Joey: Hey Nick, guess my favourite colour!
Nick: Purple?
Joey: No . . . it's anus!
Nick: Anus isn't a colour, it's a flavour!

Cole, describing a friend's fart: It smells like cancer!

Noel, on which of his fellow Mad Mad House-mates he would take on a date:
Since nobody picked me, I will take myself on a date. I would take myself to a park, and walk hand-in-hand with myself. I would take myself to a movie. Buy a couple of Cokes, and let one . . . just sit there. Then, back to my place, with a roaring fire, where I would massage myself. Eventually, I would end up crying and masturbating in my closet. And in the morning I would awake and leave a note for myself: "Thank you for the good times. . . . I'll call you."

Tyler: Some people fantasize about having sex with supermodels. I dream of holding the $10 million winning [lottery] ticket. The supermodels come after.
Me: Or they're like, "Ten million, psh. Clean my pool."

Stephanie H.: I'm kind of growing out of pop. I'm getting into hard rock and heavy metal now, like Nickelback and Creed.

Ryan, describing his ideal life: I'm in a bouncing car, with a bunch of hot women. . . .
Willie: And I'm in the back seat, with the ladies.
Ryan: You're in prison with Bubba.

Cole, to me: You remind me of a dump I took once.

Adam, to Joel: You remind me of a large wang.
Me, to Adam: How would you know what a large wang looks like?

Joel: Willie is like an onion—the more layers [of clothing] he peels away, the more people cry!

Jim David, on Just For Laughs New Year's Eve Special:
Last week George Bush outlined his plan for post-war Iraq. Then he coloured it. ^[audio]

Joel, on the thoughts of a dog:
I'm a dog. I leave the contents of my butt on the lawn, and I don't bury them 'cause they have a fragrant smell that makes people smile. Then I drink out of the toilet, 'cause it tastes like Pepsi.