Quotes
Simply a page of quotes that I adore. Enjoy!
—
Me: Possibility of hilarity ensuing: seventy percent.
Blue comedian Jason Rouse: I'm going to hell . . . but fuck it, it's going to be warm and I'm going to know people there, so whatever.
Willie: Who's Dave?
Me: Your asshole.
Willie: 'Hey, Dave! Do you like it when I poke you?'
Ben: I did one of those last night.
Me: I did one of your moms last night!
Joey: You're bright like a glowing fungus.
Joel: You're dumb like a stupid piece of crap.
Willie, to John: Your grandmother's celibate.
John: Well, yeah, considering my grandfather died in 1985.
Willie: I'll be right back!
Willie: Here's my impression of a mad cow: 'Ryan, come get supper! I've got my tit out on the table!'
Willie: It's all [Ken's boyfriend's] fault. Ass-fucker.
Me: Willie, I think he's the ass-fuckee.
Maggie: Emily, you're my hero.
Me, in my LiveJournal -
I fucking hate the first names "Mackenzie" and "Taylor." These are suitable, though bland, surnames; people, don't use them as first names. If my name was Taylor, I would punch my mom in the face.
Willie: The only education Ryan got was when his mom douched with Alpha-Getti.
Willie, on wanting to buy a coconut-scented candle: When I walk into my room I want to be instantly reminded of someplace tropical, like Jamaica.
Cole: Or Mexico.
Me: 'Smells like illegal immigrants.'
Willie: I could hire a fat hooker to sit in my room and smoke cigarettes 24/7.
Cole: You could just get anyone to do that. Like Travis.
Willie: No, I'd want a fat hooker so every time I looked over I'd have to vomit.
Me: Oh, well then, just get your mom to do it.
Ken's boyfriend, to Ken: You look like a fag wearing that. Haha, fag.
Ken: You look like a fag when you're face-down with your ass up in the air!
Me, to my snoozing pets: You lazy cats! Get a job!
Matt, in his "Mattcast" podcast -
Christmas Eve was when [my family] had our dinner. And everybody was always like, "Why do you have it on Christmas Eve? Why don't you have it on Christmas?" Fuck Christmas! I'm too excited to eat fucking turkey Christmas day. I want to play with my shit! Uhhhh . . . not literally. I want to play with my toys. I put my shit in the toilet. That was lewd and stupid; I'm sorry for that. But, we're uncut, so fuck you.
The Wizard (voiced by Microsoft Sam), in "Mattcast" -
I am the illinest motherfuckin' mix-master emcee D.J.!
Matt, in "Mattcast",
[On Pope Pius IX's Apostolic Constitution (Ineffibilis Deus)]
In 1854 is A–pos–tol–istic Constitution . . . and . . . Ineffitables . . . Ineffables Dues Pope Pui . . . oh my god, that's retarded. Anyway, moving on. Uh, World War II, Tazaki Saki . . . holy Christ, these people's names . . . Takashi Sakai and the Imperial Japanese Army invaded Hong Kong and quickly achieved air superiority by bombing Kai Tak airport. You learn something new every day. Well, that's not new. And the Holocaust happened, on this day, a couple years ago.
Matt, in "Mattcast" -
A gunman killed nine people, including himself, at a shopping mall in Omaha, Nebraska. . . . Robert A. Hawkins stated in his suicide note that he wanted to be famous. The Omaha police department spokesperson confirmed nine fatalities, including the perpetrator; five other people were injured, two of whom remain in critical condition. That kind of sucks.
Me: Anyone who thinks pregnancy and childbirth is a miracle is a faggot!
Willie, to John: If I wanted to hear you talk, I'd shit!
Willie, to John: You're like a school bus of children: you shouldn't exist!
Playing Dungeons & Dragons -
[Willie encounters a gelatinous foe]
Me: I don't think I'm ready for this jelly!
Joey: The customer is always dumb.
Joel: I should take a shower. I smell like Wal-Mart. That's a bad thing to smell like.
Me: Or like Texas . . . or like a Wal-Mart in Texas.
Joel: That would smell like shit. And chili.
Watching someone play PlayStation -
Leah: Jason, will you stick your memory card in my slot?
Jason: In Slot B!
Drunk Travis, on Maya -
That cat just gave me the weirdest look. It was like, 'I am ready for croutons.'
As Ken and his boyfriend discuss a gay mutual friend's open relationship -
Ben: Oh, you promiscuous queers!
Playing Dungeons & Dragons -
Joel, referring to his character after failing a Will save: What's wrong with me?
Cole: Lots of things: you're ugly, you work at Wal-Mart. . . .
Ben: Bone her and dump her! I'm telling you, Matt, just stick it in there for a little while.
Matt: I find her unattractive.
Ben: Your weiner won't!
Willie, to Subway employee making his sandwich -
I like my bread how I like my women: white!
Playing Dungeons & Dragons -
Matt: The moose [goes first], but he doesn't do anything. He stands in the forest like a moose.
Ken's boyfriend: Ken, do I have a nice bum?
Ken: That's a stupid question considering what I've been doing to it for the last four years! That's like asking a fat kid, 'Do you like chocolate cake?'
Playing Dungeons & Dragons -
Willie: I roll a Do-Ben's-Mom check. [Rolls two 20-sided dice; two 20s result]
Ben: That bitch is impaled!
Me: Gooey vag queefs!
Joel, on why he would never skinny-dip with Joey -
Joey'd be like, 'Here I come with my penis! I'm gonna touch you with it!'
Matt: It's a vag!
Matt, over dessert at a restaurant, breaking a silence after Ken and his boyfriend discuss dildos -
So how 'bout that not-talking-about-dildos?
Me, on what getting a cat is like -
'Here's food, here's water, here's litter. Any questions? No? Okay: resume existing.'
Matt: I like my coffee white, not Central American!
Joel, to Cole: You smell like Texas!
Matt: I keep getting spam from Hi5. They're like, 'Hi Matt! A new fatty has added you to her favourites list!' and I'm like, 'I don't give a shit!'
About a pregnant coworker -
Willie: I'd try and titty-fuck her, but I'm afraid she'd lactate in the middle and squirt me in the eye.
Female coworker: Willie, why don't we ever hang out?
Willie: Because you've still got your clothes on.
Matt: What should I have for breakfast?
Willie: Niggers!
Matt: Nah, I was thinking more like. . . . Wait, what?
Me: I wonder what playing a Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen video game would actually be like.
Cole: It'd be like someone sitting on your face and taking a big steamy shit, then you try to wipe it off but they smear the shit all over your face, then you try to blow it off your face with your mouth but they stuff it up your nose.
Willie: Fuckstick shit cunt! Fuckstick shit cunt!
Cole: I think we should just be friends, Willie.
During a discussion about Willie's future children -
Cole: Willie couldn't even fertilize a plant!
I was looking . . . at one of the four fountains. The trees behind it were artfully massed as in a drawing . . .; against this golden backdrop the water cascaded from the rim of the upper bowl to fill the lower one, and from vents all round the lower bowl it spurted in silvery streams to the basin below. Like time, I thought—my minutes, hours, days and weeks falling, falling, but not recycled like the fountain water.
- Jonathan Fitch in Russell Hoban's Mr. Rinyo-Clacton's Offer (Chapter 28)
Cole: That whole movie [Daredevil] was like someone took a shit on a piece of paper.
Willie: No, that was the concept sketch for the character Kingpin.
Ben: Herpes never follows the rules!
On Asian Fann Wong's romance with Caucasian Owen Wilson in Shanghai Knights -
Me: She only loves you 'cause she has a white-man fetish!
Willie: "I must create children who can see!"
LiveJournal user 'Shotie' on KittyPix community -
I hate hate hate people who think it's horrible to spay pets, because OMG THINK OF THE BAYBEEZ THEY MUST WANT TO HAVE!!1!! Never mind that female cats suffer when they're in heat, or that childbirth is painful for them, or that rearing babies is hard on them—or that they don't give a rat's ass about their kittens as soon as they're weaned and gone, no no, obviously all cats want to do is crap babies out.
Matthew Good Band, 'Omissions of the Omen' -
Man makes God so God can make man /
Man makes the devil so that he can understand /
Why it is that every day /
Everything always turns out this way
Agent Smith in The Matrix -
When I tried to classify your species . . . I realized that you're not actually mammals. Every mammal on this planet instinctively develops a natural equilibrium with the surrounding environment, but you humans do not. You move to an area, and you multiply, and multiply, until every natural resource is consumed. The only way you can survive is to spread to another area. There is another organism on this planet that follows the same pattern. A virus. Human beings are a disease, a cancer of this planet. You are a plague.
Ben: Batman's nipples were sexy.
Angie: The war will end. . . .
The world will end.
Are you kidding me?
No. A war on terror can never end.
Never?
Not without complete destruction of this earth.
We won't live to see it.
Joel, mocking Nelly Furtado's promiscuous new image -
'Look at me! I like penises!'
Ben, to me: You're so gay you like the movie Ghost with Patrick Swayze.
Matt: Who wants to have gay sex with me?
After professor has explained that either of two methods of citing a line reference is acceptable -
Male student: Do you prefer one over the other?
Me, mockingly: Because I want to kiss your butt! *kissing sounds*
The 'So-and-So's Balls are So Big' Series:
3 points for Ryan:
My balls are so big, even America feels threatened!
My balls are so big, even Germany won't invade them!
My balls are so big, even Evl Knievel wouldn't jump them!
2 points for Joel (insulting Ben):
Your balls are so big that when you left the Elvis concert, they said, 'The building has left Elvis!'
Your balls are so big, they won't fit in Willie's mom!
Matt: I'd do Ashlee Simpson.
Joel: I'd fart in her nose.
Ben, to Joel: You can suck a donkey's doonab.
Me, after receiving this chain letter: Forward this to all your dumbass friends, so they can forward it to all their dumbass friends—
Ben: —so this baby will get nothing, and you can feel good about yourselves!
Joel, playing Grand Theft Auto, plowing a hijacked bus through traffic -
Move out of the way for the bus! People gotta go to work!
Me: It's not fair—no matter who farts, you always Dutch-oven me!
Ben: Dutch-ovens aren't meant to be fair!
Aristotle thinks women are yucky, like slaves and children. Nowadays, we would just say, 'Aristotle, that's stupid,' and probably he'd just give up on it and say, 'Well, that's not a relevant point of my essay.'
- English professor R. Seamon, on Aristotle's Poetics
[Joel walks in wearing a towel like a headscarf]
Ben: You look like a woman.
Me: A Saudi woman.
Ben: A woman who should make me dinner.
Actress Angelina Jolie, revealing that she gives a third of her income to charity -
Yeah, well, I [earn] a stupid income for what I do.
Willie, mocking a weak Dungeons & Dragons miniature: 'I'm useless!'
Ryan: What? Oh, I thought that was your penis talking!
Bad dream-sex is having an absolutely awesome, lovely, long, lingering dream involving your long-distance boyfriend, only to wake up and find your dog peeing on you.
- Anonymous poster, relating a personal experience, to LiveJournal's Bad Sex community
When stuff gets spread out among the different sectors on your hard drive, is that called fragmenting?
- Gothic boy to Computer Science professor
Tom Cruise recently announced that Katie Holmes is changing her name to 'Kate' because 'Katie' is a little girl's name. He then announced that he is changing his name to 'Borg-a-Tron' because 'Tom' is a non-crazy man's name.
- Conan O'Brien, Late Night
Willie, to me: When my family first found out I was moving in with [you], they were like, 'Are you banging her?' and I was like, 'No; she's a lesbian.' Well, I had to get them off my back!
Joey: Get off my property!
Me: Get off your mom!
Joey: I'm jerking off.
Willie: Is that why you've got your reading glasses on?
English professor S. Peacock: Next week, we'll be looking at William Faulkner's short story A Rose for Emily—
Girl whose butt-crack is showing over her low-rise jeans: Is it about the movie?
Peacock: You mean, is the movie about the story?
Butt-crack: No, I mean, is it about The Exorcism of Emily Rose?
Joel, after Joey had fallen down a flight of stairs -
Joey had an abortion!
I wish I was rich instead of good-looking.
- Willie
It's not that my legs won't support me—it's that they've decided to support Bush, and I just can't stand for that.
- Joey
On Willie's younger sister:
Willie's mom: Tammy's engaged.
Willie: What? Tammy's pregnant?
Playing Dungeons & Dragons -
[Ryan fires an arrow at an enemy]
Ben: A miss. Your arrow is lost in the folds of his cloak.
Ryan: I lost my arrow in the folds of Willie's mom.
Playing Dungeons & Dragons -
[A hideous enemy approaches Joey's character]
Joey: Do I get a reflex save? [Rolls 18 on a 20-sided die]
Ben: You clench your muscles and do not urinate.
If God wanted Mexican women to wear tops, he wouldn't have created tequila.
- Eric, That 70's Show
Ben, suggestively asking me for a glass of soda -
Will you Mountain Dew me?
On a performance by local Canadian Idol contestant Casey LeBlanc -
Judge Zack Werner: No matter what you do, you sound like you're singing 'Welcome to New Brunswick,' and it just doesn't do anything for me.
Host Ben Mulroney: I'm pretty sure that if Zack wanted to go to New Brunswick, he wouldn't be welcome!
Joey, upon first meeting her -
Hey Titties. I mean Kat.
Playing Dungeons & Dragons -
Ryan as "Logan": But, I have good news.
Joey as "Yugoth": What is it?
Ryan: I just saved a bunch of money by switching my car insurance.
Ben, on Willie's poisoned Dungeons & Dragons -
Liem's Dexterity score now falls somewhere between that of a gelatinous cube and an animated building.
Willie, in his MySpace profile -
Movies: Only the kind I FUCKED YOUR MOM IN . . .
Music: My name is William and you won't cum, When I get off then I am done.
Who I'd like to meet: Naked girls, Sexy girls, Flexible girls, Girl on Girls, Perverted girls, Girls not afraid to show skin. . . . If they don't put out or show me something I like then they can't touch my penis. . . . No dick for you!
About me: I'm white, talk like I'm black, I have a small penis, my pubes are purple, I have fingers like ET, red hair like [Ronald] McDonald, my feet are a Lvl10 bio-hazard and my eyes are too far apart, my tongue is forked, I have a tail and I eat babies, I braid my ass hair and have sex with moms.[. . .] Girl I want you naked on my floor and ready to please yourself because I'm too busy making a sandwich.
Nice day out. And by 'out' I mean 'gay.' And by 'nice' I mean 'you.' And by 'day' I mean 'are.'
- Joey
Peter: I read a book about this sort of thing once.
Brian: Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn't nothing?
- Family Guy
When I saw myself on [television hosting Survivor], I thought, 'I need a nose job.' I didn't tell anybody and went to a plastic surgeon. He showed me a picture of what he wanted to do. Thank God he did—I looked like I had a Donny Osmond nose. I kept that picture to remind me [of] what a loser I was to contemplate paying $7,500 for someone to break my nose and slice open my face. That's when I decided to stick with what God gave me.
- Jeff Probst
Joey, in his Elftown profile -
Don't message me if you have nothing of any importance to say to me. "Hi" isn't important, insulting me isn't important, attempting to flirt with me is doubly unimportant. I can and will block anyone who shows no signs of being an asset to my existence.
Ryan: My ass speaks Latin.
Ben: [With a Latin textbook in the back of his jeans] Mine is reading a Latin textbook as we speak.
Ryan: Smartass.
Me: I'll try to [park] closer to the curb.
Ryan: Why? Do you miss your home?
Me: Don't you just want to kick card houses?
Ryan: Here comes my paper airplane!
The next time a woman speaks to you, realize that words are coming out of something that swallows cum.
- LiveJournal user womenareidiots
Willie: I read pop-up books.
Me: The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy—and your mom's legs were the pages!
Me: [After spilling a drink on myself] Now I am all wet.
Willie: Of course you're all wet, woman. That's all you're good for!
Me, on the wrestler's dark eyeliner -
The Undertaker isn't dead. He's just a Good Charlotte fan.
Stephanie, in her blog -
My grandparents and my mom are going to call me this evening and ho boy are they going to give [me] justification to carve Evanescence lyrics into my stomach with a pair of nail clippers. That was a joke. No matter how badly my family shreds me for my grades, I'm not going to do something like that. The most I'll do is cry for twenty minutes again and in between sobs I'll be like OH GOD WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME DO I HAVE ADD I USED TO BE THE SMART KID WHAT HAPPENED TO ME OOH BUNNY YAY
While watching Family Feud -
Me: [On contestant, skater John Zimmerman] That John guy is pretty hot.
Show Host: Name something you should always check the expiry date on.
Me: Milk.
John: Milk.
Me: We should get married.
Oh, you spoil life sometimes!
- Mom, to my brother Cole
[Willie spends] most of his time eating, sleeping and blaspheming. He enjoys randomly saying "Satan," talking about Ryan's mom and fondling his nipples. Spends his free time drinking and smoking [marijuana] and wishing he weren't a virgin.
- Joey's Roster
Coming Up: Penises, Pimps, Poop, and Perverted Office Furniture!
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